tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11425059.post7333676161152430005..comments2023-10-30T08:40:59.016-04:00Comments on Wolfish Musings: Teens, Boundaries and TrustBrooklynWolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03994285019137108636noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11425059.post-47005378644389214762008-11-29T21:19:00.000-05:002008-11-29T21:19:00.000-05:00We were just having this conversation over Shabbat...We were just having this conversation over Shabbat. The three frum schools in our community have the following high school situation: the MO/RZ is co-ed in the building and for limudei chol; the "modern charedi" has a girls' high school and a day yeshiva on separate campuses; the "charedi charedi" only has a girls' school and the closest boy's yeshiva (connected to this school) is 10-15 miles from the rest of the community (at an actual yeshiva). <BR/><BR/>Out of these three groups, the ones least likely to meet up at the local hang-out (a gas station with kosher certified slurpees) to pair off in couples are the kids from the MO/RZ school. For these kids, going to Bnei Akiva or NCSY is not assur (like it is for the kids in the other schools). The kids from the MO/RZ group hang out at someone's house (for movie night) in a large mixed group. The parents are usually also there (but not in the room) and to my understanding, they check in periodically. These parents all trust their children to make good judgments. <BR/><BR/>To me, hanging in mixed groups give my daughters the tools they will need later on when they are getting ready to select a husband. There will not be too many surprises when it comes to "men". They will not have that social anxiety which over-powers the "good girls" when they are suddenly permitted to talk to boys for shiddukh dating.<BR/><BR/>I was told several times that my viewpoint comes from my non-frum background. In a lot of ways, yes. The girls in (public) high school who got pregnant were the ones who did not have trusting/loving relationships with their parents. It was something they desperately sought.<BR/><BR/>This is also part of a slippery slope when fences are not used right. To some girls, if it's assur to merely talk to a boy, why stop there? If we teach our children that talking to or being friends with the opposite gender is not a problem, but there are certain aspects of this relationship we reserve for marriage (out of respect for ourselves and other people).<BR/><BR/>We fail to reach young people we dress all these restrictions up as halakhah. If they are already disconnected from Judaism, that's the last place you want to go. Teach the girls that being a tznua person also shows self-respect. This is something that by nature will keep a person modest. (I have seen too many women who cover collarbones and elbows with very tight clothing fling their super-long sheitels in the faces of other men.) That is NOT observing tzniut!cool yiddishe mamahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02585525985186658578noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11425059.post-11518524989246577492008-11-28T08:58:00.000-05:002008-11-28T08:58:00.000-05:00About two years ago, Katie Couric did a television...About two years ago, Katie Couric did a television special about teenagers and sex. As she interviewed the teenagers, two things became very clear:<BR/>1) The kids who were close to their parents and felt that their parents trusted them were much more reluctant to betray that trust. They dreaded their parent's disapproval even more than they dreaded their friends' disapproval.<BR/>2) The kids who felt that their parents did not trust them or were not very interested in them were much more likely to engage in sex and drinking. Some of these kids broke down in tears on camera, saying that they hated what they were doing, but "if my Mom doesn't care then why should I?"<BR/>Also- when my niece turned 18, I asked her if she had experimented with drinking or drugs while in high school. She said "I wanted to try it. I really really did. But I kept hearing my mother's voice in my head, warning me about how dangerous it is. And in the end, I just couldn't ignore her voice in my head."<BR/>Lesson: Talk to your kids, keep them close, show them you trust them, and (most of the time) they won't betray that trust.SuperRaizyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06742653185025562286noreply@blogger.com