Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Don't Attend This Wedding -- Your Kids Might Not Get Married!

An alert reader brought to my attention a thread on Imamother. In this thread, a person comments that a relative of theirs (not an immediate relative) is getting married (for the first time) wearing a green dress.

OK, so it's a little strange and unusual. But hey, it's her wedding -- she can get married in any color (or colors) that she likes. A wedding where the bride wears green is perfectly valid halachically. So, as long as her groom is OK with it (and, I suppose whomever is paying for the gown) then there shouldn't be any problem, right?

Well, most of the commentators in the thread seem to agree with that sentiment. It's her day, let her celebrate as she wishes. However, there was one interesting response:

If it was someone in MY family, I'd seriously consider never speaking to that side again. I wouldn't want it to get out that a relative of mine who I am close to did something SO non-conformist at a wedding. If people think I'm close to them, maybe they'd even think I myself would consider such a thing -- it could wreak havoc for my kids shidduchim, ch"v!

Seriously, I would consider not attending the wedding to make sure that her poor choice in wedding dresses does not ch"v taint your good name.

So, this is what it's come to? Simply attending a wedding where the bride doesn't wear a white gown is grounds for having your children rejected for a potential shidduch? Yes, I understand that some people are sticklers for tradition, but don't you think that this is going too far? We've caused people to become so afraid of the slightest non-conformity that they wouldn't attend a wedding of a family member simply because of the color of the bride's gown.

Incredible!

The Wolf

12 comments:

mother in israel said...

Considering that she wasn't invited to the wedding in question, I wouldn't take her comment too seriously. It might even be satire, but with Imamother you can never be sure.

Anonymous said...

funny that she's so concerned about the dress, especially since a wearing a dress that's white is a custom that started with non-jews in the middle 1800s. If they only knew that so many of their "customs" that they use to reject potential shidduchim are goyish, or even worse, made up completely. How many bochrim who spent all the money they have and they money they don't have on a diamond ring know the "custom" was made up by DeBeers to encourage people to buy diamonds...

Ari said...

When one starts ascribing the status of a secular cultural norm(not even religious norm) as a minhag, there is a very slippery slope leading to halacha (talk about building a geder around something!)

Let's call it "mitzvah mutation": Someone's idea of hiddur" becomes someone's idea of "minhag, and which becomes someone's idea of mitzva.

It's also this same mentality that says all children must be taught in the same away, and behave and look exactly the same, and not k'fi darko...and why some orthodox choose to opt out. If I remember correctly, Yaakov did not give the same bracha to all of his sons.

Mike S said...

Actually, the fear that the kids won't get shiduchim is used to control behaviors in matters of far greater importance than wedding dress colors. After an incident involving a young lady whose family I know and a school bus driver who treated the young lady in a totally inappropriate fashion, the father complained to the bus company (perhaps he should have complained to the police). After which he was told that if he didn't drop the complaint the bus driver's friends would spread rumors about all of his daughters that would keep them from getting shidduchim.

Unfortunately, until shidduchim are rearranged to a matter focussed on the spiritual, emotional and physical needs of the couple as opposed to institutional and family status, these threats will have effect.

zach said...

The commentator was obviously being facetious. Alternatively, he/she is just an idiot.

BrooklynWolf said...

The commentator was obviously being facetious. Alternatively, he/she is just an idiot.

I'd probably go with the latter, if only because she latter on confirmed that she was not being facetious.

The Wolf

Jacob Da Jew said...

I think red is hot. Saw a bride once wearing red and she looked great.

Zach Kessin said...

I'm pretty sure that the Imamother terms of service ban sarcasm and whit.

Zach Kessin said...

Am I the only one who wants to run out and buy a brightly colored table cloth to protect my kids from "good" shiduchim?

Mike S. said...

A look further down the comments there reveals that the commenter is a BT who feels that her lack of family connections starts her kids off with two strikes in the shidduch game. So she is sensitive to any appearance of nonconformity. Unfortunately, she isn't being entirely paranoid. Yet another reason to change the shidduch "system"

Anonymous said...

whatever happened to chukas hagoyim?
the bostoner rebbetzin bragged countless (ok, i counted three times before putting the book down)
times that she did NOT wear a white dress at her wedding (yes, as you might have guessed it was cream, which plenty of non-Jewish brides with the right (wrong?) complexion wear, but still, shouldn't the intention count? (just kidding on that last thought)).

frumskeptic said...

OY vey!! How are people so unbelievably ok with admitting they're nothing but comformits?