- 2/4 beats
- Improper use of electric bass, guitars and saxophones
- Goyishe African music and beats
- Rap and reggae music
Ok, whatever. I don't want to get into a whole discussion on what is Jewish music and what isn't. Personally, I believe that music bleeds through cultures and that just about all "Jewish music" today originated from non-Jewish origins.
It seems to me, however, that there is an upswing in the number of Rabbinic Committees that have formed of late. As such, here are some of the news stories that you should be looking out for in the future:
The Jewish residents of Jerusalem were shocked today when the Committee for Ma'achalim Tehorim (Pure Foods) announced a ban on all pizza stores, pasta parlors, Chinese and Japanese restaurants and almost all other shops where foreign and ethnic foods are served (aside from Jewish foods, of course). Rabbi Jacobson, the leader of the committee issued a strongly worded condemnation of these establishments. "It is unconscionable that Yidden are putting foreign, goyishe foods in their stomachs. Do you think the Chofetz Chaim ever ate pizza? Do you think that the holy Gr"a would have stopped to eating Chinese food? It's been said that 'you are what you eat.' HaKadosh Baruch Hu gave us the mitzvah of keeping kosher so that we could always maintain purity both inside our bodies as well as outside. Just because a pizza has no pork or meat doesn't mean that meets the standard of proper food for a Jew to eat. It has to not only be kosher, but an authentic Jewish food. With the backing of the gedolim, we are going to make sure that only authentic Jewish foods are served in our resturaunts." The Committee announced it's plans to scan the menus of every resturaunt in Jerusalem in the next six months, and instruct withhold kashrus certification from foods that are deemed "foreign, strange, or that has signs of improper seasonings."
The clothing industry in Israel was rocked to the core today when the new guidelines by the Rabbinical Subcommittee on Clothing Colors announced their new regulations and guidelines for the Jewish state's garment industry. Millions of yards of fabrics in various colors which had been purchased by dress and shirt manufacturers have now been banned and cannot be made into clothing for the hareidi community. Rabbi Canner, spokesman for the Subcommittee, explained the regulations. "It's all very simple and it's not really restrictive. Men can have a shirt in any color that they want, so long as it's white. We recognize that women need more choices in their clothing than men and so they will have a choice between black, ebony, obsidian, jet, onyx or midnight. To compliment those colors they can choose white, off-white, ivory, eggshell and lily." The committee fully expects all clothing stores to be following the new guidelines in the next few weeks, before women begin shopping for outfits for Yom Tov.
Huge bonfires went up all over the country this week, as parents rushed to destroy games that did not meet the new guidelines of the Rabbinic Committee on Children's Recreation. "There are games and activities that our children are engaging in that can virtually destory their pure neshamos," said Rabbi Eliyahu Danner, head of the committee. "We, as parents and mechanchim are responsible for the spiritual upbringing of our children, and we must do all we can to shield them from the horrible influences of the outside world." Among the banned games are Clue (due to the murder theme), Careers (the game shows working as a lechatchila, and not a b'dieved), Life (people having children while riding around in cars in NOT a Jewish value and, again, there is no emphasis on learning), Stratego and Battleship (war and killing), Trivial Pursuit (it has cards, which are unJewish as well as an emphasis on unimportant information) and Scrabble (the possibility of making words that are improper is just too great). Among the games permitted to remain are checkers, chess and tiddlywinks. However, those games are only permitted for girls since "boys should be learning all the time and not wasting their time playing silly board games," according to Rabbi Danner.
(Just so that we're clear...all the stories in this post [except for the music story] are fiction. I made them up. They're what I think we can expect in the future -- but they're not real... yet.)