A letter appeared on Matzav.com from a young woman (pen named "A Crying Bas Yisroel" at the "ripe old" age of 23 who, sadly, has not yet found her husband. She's kind, well-put-together, cute and pretty (by her own description) and gainfully employed. So, what's the problem? According to her, the problem lies in factors beyond her control:
My parents don’t have money and we don’t have yichus. We don’t have “pull” and we don’t have connections. So with all my maalos, I am told that I am just like thousands of other girls. And so the phone does not ring.
My mother pursues shidduchim, only to get flat-out nos. I have been out with a handful of boys in four years of being in shidduchim. Think that’s nuts? Ask around. It’s not. That’s the lot that we’ve been given. We, girls, try so hard, doing everything we are supposed to in life, only to have to sit around, never knowing if our shidduch will ever come.
Personally, I think it's a shame that there are segments of our society that are so caught up in money and yichus for potential marriage partners that they don't look at the individual person.
You can read the entire letter on Matzav. I penned my own response:
Dear Crying,
I am so sorry that the Shidduch world has not treated you well. I hope that you find your bashert soon. No one deserves to be treated as you have been.
That being said, I think you need to take three important steps.
1. Drop the notion that 23 is old. It's not. There are plenty of women who got married later than 23 and went on tho have successful and loving marriages. 23 is not old -- despite the fact that some people may try to convince you otherwise.
2. Consider yourself lucky. I know it may not seem that way, but you are. You have just managed to avoid a bunch of jerks who are interested only in money or yichus. Tell me -- do you want a spouse who appreciates you for who you are, or for who your ancestors were and how much money your parents have? Based on your letter, you sound like the former. That being the case, congratulations -- you managed to avoid a bunch of people looking for the latter. I know it may be a small comfort to you, but it is an important fact to consider.
3. You have to stop being reactive and begin being proactive. Stop waiting for the phone to ring -- take matters into your own hands. This may mean stepping out of your comfort zone. It may mean actively networking with friends and their husbands/relatives. It may mean using an online dating site, as another poster here recommended. It may mean going to singles events. In short, you have to maximize your opportunity to meet people -- both men and people who can introduce you to them.
Good luck on your journey and may you soon find yourself building a bayis ne'eman b'yisroel.
The Wolf
19 comments:
Considering that the ideal age of marriage for a Bas Torah is 18 (traditionally they would sometimes even get married younger than 18 - and marriages were undeniably happier AND longer lasting in those days - despite the rantings of some on the modern crowd), 23 is a reason to feel uneasy if still unmarried.
And what you find in online dating, and some of the other "alternate" dating suggestion, are oft times not what a Bas Yisroel is looking for.
Your Point #2 was a good one.
sorry Aaron, being a bas torah doesn't mean having to live with 18th century eastern European customs. It is 2010 after all, and 23 certainly is young.
I'm sure being a Jew to you, Anonymous, "doesn't mean having to live with 10th century BCE mount sinai customs."
And what you find in online dating, and some of the other "alternate" dating suggestion, are oft times not what a Bas Yisroel is looking for.
Aaron,
OK, so then what would you suggest (aside from further sitting at home and waiting for the phone to ring)?
I fail to see what possible problem there is with personal networking. For online, I would think that, at age 23, the letter writer is capable of weeding out the potential problems and seeing if there is someone there she can work with. The same thing applies to singles events.
The Wolf
@ Anonymous - agreed. There are many frum women I know who married as late as 35! Of course it's desirable to find your bashert a little younger, but 23 is by no means old.
I'm also wondering Aaron where you get that 18 is the "ideal" age of marriage for a girl. I'm no baki in shas but to my knowledge I've never seen anything specific about at what age a girl should get married. Please correct me if I'm wrong.
On another topic, Wolf I hope you'll allow this, I'm currently designing a free shadchan site. Sawyouatsinai etc. can be great, but the fees are prohibitive to many and I've already got a parnasah so I figure why not make it free :-) Be on the lookout for www.thefreeshadchan.com
Aaron, I didn't know they had phones to sit by in the good old days. Also, if this young lady lived by ancient customs, at least she'd have the opportunity to dress in white and go out dancing on Tu b'Av. Nowadays, for some reason, that's verboten.
Aaron, I didn't know they had phones to sit by in the good old days. Also, if this young lady lived by ancient customs, at least she'd have the opportunity to dress in white and go out dancing on Tu b'Av. Nowadays, for some reason, that's verboten.
First of all, this is a great take on the piece:
http://mikeinmidwood.blogspot.com/2010/02/shidduch-crisis.html
You know what the problem is, right? The old Groucho Marx line: I wouldn't belong to any club that would have me as a member.
While I feel for this young woman and her pain is certainly heart rending, I must ask an opposing question: exactly what has she done to get out of this situation?
Let's say tomorrow you found her the perfect guy - has a good job, nice family, bathes regularily, has an engaging personality with a variety of interests that are similar to this girl's, etc. Oh but hang on, he wears a knitted kippah, doesn't even own a black hat and doesn't think women should permanently wear black stockings. Do you think this desperate and miserable 23 year old would agree to even go out with him? Or she she in the social group where "job" is a dirty word and not owning a black hat makes you a virtual goy?
I've seen it happen. The sister of a friend of mine made it into her early 20's before getting married. Not that she wasn't offered shidduchim but there was always a reason - he didn't wear a black hat all the time, just in shul, he worked and she wanted a full-time learner, etc. And every time the same line: "I can't find a shidduch!"
Wolf, your three points are excellent and the problem is that they are the three things this girl's culture will not allow her to consider, so what's the point?
I'm no baki in shas but to my knowledge I've never seen anything specific about at what age a girl should get married. Please correct me if I'm wrong.
Pirkei Avos. Shemoneh Esrei L'Chupah.
I agree with Ironheart - these girls are programmed to look for a black hat learner and since there is a shortage of them they are at loss of what to do. They were never taught to think, so they stay at home and cry for being single.
About her age, she is already an old maid. Some of her classmates are working on their fourth baby and she is still single. If she stays single for another few years, she will lose all communications with her friends, and all of her neighbors will use words like nebach to describe her within her hearing range. They probably already do.
Eventually she will have to settle for a worker or a BT or a man who was previously married.
>Shemoneh Esrei L'Chupah.
Yes, but the word before "shmoneh" is "ben" meaning son. In other words, the mishna is discussing males, not females.
Couldn't resist.
Okay. A few points.
Maybe her parents are BT's? She says her family doesn't have yichus or pull, and that might be an indicator of her family's BT status. It's an open secret that BT's and their children are considered inferior in the Orthodox caste system. Which raises the question: Why would Garnel have made fun of my parents to my face, knowing their BT status, and knowing that BT's are already some of the most marginalized non-members of the Orthodox world?!?!
The point that her society has strange norms and taboos isn't without merit. Though it's hard to fault her for her community's failings. If her highly restrictive community says many kinds of relationships are a no-go you either respect it (as she clearly does) or you encourage her to break through and think for herself (as I might). Blaming the victim (as Garnel does) or expecting her to overlook some of her community's norms while at the same time keeping other norms (such as ikarei emuna, for example) is unreasonable.
>Shemoneh Esrei L'Chupah.
Yes, but the word before "shmoneh" is "ben" meaning son. In other words, the mishna is discussing males, not females.
Couldn't resist.
The girls traditionally get married younger (or the same age) as the boys.
Aaron,
That's true, but that's simply because of cultural or personal preference. There's no halachic imperative for her to marry an older boy and hence no need to peg it to "younger than 18 because the Mishna says a boy marries at 18."
In any event, even if it were true you really couldn't use the Mishna as proof since men don't generally marry at 18 anyway.
The Wolf
"In any event, even if it were true you really couldn't use the Mishna as proof since men don't generally marry at 18 anyway."
And therein lies the problem. Let's get back to the basics, as Chazal implore us in less a basic text than Pirkei Avos.
Typo... should have read:
"...as Chazal implore us in no less a basic text than Pirkei Avos."
2 small disclaimers
> Why would Garnel have made fun of my parents
I never did.
> to my face,
I never met OTD.
>I never did.
You said here (in your first comment on my blog):
"your parents, being BT's, had a very fundamentalist concept of God which they tried to transmit to you. Many BT's tend to see things in black and white"
Is that making fun?
I'll let the readers decide.
TWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!
OK, guys. Back to your corners.
Please keep it on topic.
Thanks,
The Wolf
Post a Comment